


Feeling of guilt and affection

by Kuroechan



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Don't even know if it can be classed as angst - Freeform, First time to attempt a angst base one shot, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sort of after part 3?, Tried to make this fic angsty - Freeform, angst with happy ending, platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:30:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23006512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroechan/pseuds/Kuroechan
Summary: Where does this feeling of loneliness come from?Is it bound with the feeling of wanting to be with you again?Sometimes… I feel like I have no right to feel that way.Having to make you suffer again.
Relationships: Kujou Ten & Nanase Riku
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	Feeling of guilt and affection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RazenshiaSapphire08](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RazenshiaSapphire08/gifts).



**_W_** _here does this feeling of loneliness come from?_

**_I_** _s it bound with the feeling of wanting to be with you again?_

**_S_** _ometimes… I feel like I have no right to feel that way._

**_H_** _aving to make you suffer again._

_  
  
  
_

Here he was again.

In his own room. Sick to the point where he can no longer stand. 

It’d been a long week for everyone with their schedule being so busy that they barely had time for themselves, it was now the late morning with everyone gathered in a particular room where a certain red haired laid sick. 

“Riku-kun, I think you need to take the day off today.” With an outstretched hand, Sogo checks Riku's forehead and could tell it's more warmer than usual. “Your temperature seems to be too hot than normal so it’ll be best if you were to stay here.”

“It’s not fair" Pulling the blanket to cover up his frustrated face, Riku continues to still pout, "We all had somewhat the same schedule and yet, I’m the only one in bed…”

Somewhere in the room, Riku then hears a long exasperated sigh. He looks past Sogo to see Iori coming over with his arms crossed. "Nanase-san, you should know it's not your fault you're in this state." Even though his expression shown annoyance and frustration, Riku knows that Iori was just worried about him.

"Yea, Rikkun just has a weaker body than the rest of us."

Walking past Iori and Sogo with his king pudding stuffed in his mouth, Tamaki gives his way of 'assuring' Riku. It wasn't helpful.

The moment Tamaki mentions about his weak body that he'd never wanted, Riku's face saddened. “..I know...” This time, he covers his whole face in shame, feeling his own burden on top of himself.

There was a sense of being stared down by six pairs of eyes behind him and when Tamaki turned around to check what was wrong he was greeted by all six pairs of eyes glaring at him like he was either trash or the worse person on earth. 

“What??? What did I do wro- oh- oops…” He gives a guilty look over at Riku even though he wouldn't be able to see with the blanket covering his eyes whereas, everyone else stayed quiet. If they were to comment further of what Tamaki said, Riku would surely feel even more down than he already is.

“Oh, please don’t worry Riku! Just rest, okay? I can even put Magical Kokona on for you!” Breaking the depressing atmosphere they were in, Nagi gleefully skipped over to Riku's bed and lifts the box set up, mostly for his own sake to relish in the beauty of the artwork.

“Ahaha… I don’t think that would help.” Yamato pushes his glasses awkwardly when Riku didn’t respond to Nagi’s helpful offering. 

It was usually one person or sometimes more who would stay to look after a sick person but as their schedule didn’t allow them much free time, they couldn’t really do anything.

“I feel bad to leave Riku on his own though, our schedule today is still packed.”

Iori looked over Mitsuki and could already tell that he was reconsidering staying in the dorm with Riku. “It can’t be helped I guess” Mitsuki turns to face Iori as he Carries on. “When I have time to spare, I’ll go bring you some food for Nanase-san and check if he's okay.”

He didn't want to burden Iori or anyone, "Please don't worry about me guys." Peeking out of the blanket with his eyes showing at least, Riku looks over at the clock. "You better start going anyway. You all have to go to that variety show right? I'll be fine. Trust, I'm more than used to it."

What Riku'd said at the end, made everyone feel a sense of unease of what Riku could've implied there.

Tsumugi shook her head refusing to dwell on it and instead, smiled towards Riku reassuringly, “Please do rest Riku-san.”

“I will. Thanks manager.” It was a hardly a smile that Riku gave to Tsumugi as he turns over to the other side and faced the wall, avoiding everyone's concerned faces that were visibly showing.

A few whisperers here and there that Riku could hear and waits until he hears the sound of multiple footsteps and his door closing and then, hearing complete silence. Heaving a tired sigh, Riku turns again but to face that ceiling. Not much better than viewing the wall.

_What would he think of me now? Being careless about my health and affecting my job as an idol._

_Tenn-nii would be livid if he sees me being in a pathetic state like this._

Maybe it’s better to just sleep and not think of negative things, he had nothing better to do. His head was now throbbing from him turning only a few times and couldn't even lift his finger anymore.

So with nothing else to do apart from staring at the ceiling, he closes his eyes and enters a dreamless sleep. 

*

*

*

*

*

The time he spent sleeping was unknown, but guessed it was the late afternoon as the sunlight filters through the curtains subtly.

However, the sun’s light was not the reason for his awakening. 

It was actually to the sound of his bedroom door being opened slowly and gingerly, it was probably Iori. The fact that Riku had told all of them not to worry about him and yet they still come kinda pissed him off.

_There’s nothing to worry about._

“Mm, Iori, I told you that you didn’t have to come back.” Sometimes, Riku would love for them to visit or stay with him when he's ill, but there was always some random times where he would prefer to be alone and just deteriorate himself with the negative thoughts he gets when being sick.

Just when Riku was about to turn around expecting to see Iori the most, he heard a voice that was most certainly not Iori's but someone else's he knows too well.

“I’m afraid I’m not Izumi Iori.”

Riku's eyes widens and snapped his head towards the door. His neck might have made a crack sound with his vision slightly blurred due to the quick motion and yet, with his vision quickly clearing up again, he could see his older twin brother standing at the entrance. The person who he'd least expected to see.

“Te-Tenn-nii -?!” A series of strained coughs follows after calling his brother’s name. 

“You shouldn’t shout like that, you’re still sick after all.” 

Even with his eyes shut in pain and clasping his mouth with his hand tight, he could hear Tenn’s voice loud and clear. 

His eyes cracks open and views how Tenn is wearing casual clothes as well as holding a plastic bag that was filled with something, he was walking towards him having a faint worry on his face.

After his coughing fit calmed down, Riku sat up leaning on his headboard and gazed towards Tenn.

_Why is he here?_

“Wh-why are you here Tenn-nii?”

_No, not like this._

“I’m here to visit you after that Izumi Iori messaged me telling me you was ill"

_You shouldn’t visit me, not when I’m like this._

“You know you didn’t need to see me, I’m feeling much better. It's only a simple cold so if I get some more sleep I should be fine.”

“Izumi Iori and all the rest sounded really concerned for you Riku, they’re not coming back until really late at night because some of the schedule changed and practically I’ve been kicked out of Yaotome production and my own home by Gaku and Ryuu when they heard about you feeling ill and how you was on your own.”

_I’ve always been alone when I’m ill._

“Besides,” Tenn pauses and leans closer to Riku pressing his right hand against Riku’s forehead and immediately felt the scorching heat. “It seems like it’s more than just a simple cold.” He backs aways from the bed slightly and picks up the plastic bag he’d placed down. “Sleep a little longer okay, I’ll make you some rice porridge.”

Without giving Riku a chance to utter a word, Tenn turns away and walks off closing the door behind. 

It was back to the awful silence again, the silence that Riku hates the most. Because it makes him feel empty and lonely inside. 

Not only those feelings, he also felt something else. 

Guilt. The same guilt that weighs him down every second of his life.

_I’m sorry Tenn-nii…_

*  
*  
*  
*

Eventually, Riku did manage to finally fall asleep again and when he woke back up, something cold was on his forehead. 

His bleary eyes noticed how dark his room was and could barely see anything. The first thing he noticed when his eyes were starting to get used to the lighting was the small bowl that wasn’t there before he fell asleep on his bedside table which then leads to the idea that Tenn must’ve placed a wet towel over his forehead while he was asleep.

_I’ve always been a troublesome person._

He laid in his bed still for a couple of minutes before hearing his door being open again revealing Tenn with a tray of food that had the warm rice porridge that had steam floating upwards.

Sensing a pair of ruby sunset colour eyes, Tenn focuses his gaze towards Riku and could see that Riku was now awake. 

“You’re awake. How are you feeling Riku?” He asks turning the lights on allowing him to see clearer. 

Riku squints his eyes involuntarily having his eyes adjust again to the bright light before responding back to Tenn, “I feel much better than before.” He removes the wet towel on his forehead placing it back into the bowl of water and sits back up watching Tenn multitasking while moving the bowl to the side and replacing it with the tray.

“Sorry, I should’ve warned you about me turning the lights on.” Tenn apologises, he kneels down beside the bed, in view of Riku and checks his temperature again, “It seems like your temperature finally gone down.”

“I’m sorry for troubling you.”

“You don’t need to apologise, just next time take better care of yourself. Your fans would be sad if you're not at a concert or shows. You’ll also make the people around you worry.” Tenn smiles fondly, “Now then, the rice porridge might be a little too hot for you so I guess I should feed it to you.”

“W-wait, there’s no need for you to do that. I can do it myself.” A single memory played back in his mind of when he was sick and Tenn would help feed him by cooling the warm food down.

“Riku, I really wouldn’t want you to accidentally burn your tongue or spill any, so just let me do it okay?”

Tenn had a valid point there, and Riku knew that he himself would probably spill something if he tries, “Fine...”

As Tenn grabs the bowl with the rice porridge in it, he takes a spoon full and blows on it a couple of times trying to cool it down before feeding it to Riku. 

It felt warm… comforting… and homely. 

_What am I feeling?_

Tenn continues to spoon feed Riku like a gentle brother tending to his sick younger brother.

_That’s right, it feels so nostalgic._

_This undeserving warmth that Tenn-nii is giving me._

It was only a few seconds for Tenn to avert his eyes away from Riku and get enough spoon full of the porridge and was about to give it to Riku but stopped midway, his eyes locks on Riku.

He was crying. 

Fresh tears stream down his cheeks continuously as Tenn could see how hard Riku was trying to hold himself back from crying, his face scrunched with annoyance at himself and his fist clutches on the blanket.

“Riku? What’s wrong? Is it bad?” Tenn ask, his voice full of concern as he places the spoon back in the bowl. 

Riku bows his head down and shakes his head. Some of the tears were now falling onto the covers and some landing on Riku’s tight fists.

“I’m sorry Tenn-nii,” He cries out, “I've always been a selfish monster haven’t I? Ungrateful, cruel and greedy.”

He wasn’t supposed to hint at the fact that he already knows what was the reason why Tenn left because he knew that it might make Tenn worry or upset that he now knows, that it wasn’t himself who personally told him.

But right now, he couldn’t help himself but to express some of the weight that was on his shoulders for such a long time, just this once.

He smiles to himself, like what he was saying and thinking was a little humorous to him. Tenn felt unsettled seeing Riku’s smile and continued to gaze at him as he carries on speaking.

“No wonder why Tenn-nii is considered as an angel to everyone: he’s kind, gentle and loving to every single person, I should be the only person who doesn't deserve Tenn-nii’s or anyone else’s kindness. And yet, here I am, I still receive and embrace the warm feeling like a fool.”

Ah, Everything all makes sense now.

Even though Tenn didn’t know who’d told Riku about the reason on why he left, that thought was right now in the back of his mind. For now, it doesn’t matter.

“All this time Riku.... you’ve been carrying this heavy guilt of yours haven’t you?” Tenn spoke, “When I arrived here I thought you'd be more happier to see me but it seemed like I only caused you more pain.”

Riku shook his head once again, “I’ve hurt you in so many different ways that I sometimes wonder if you would’ve preferred a younger twin brother who is more analytic and coherent. Someone who isn't weak and spoilt.” His tears finally stopped at this time with him sniffling here and there, still grasping onto the blanket like it was some kind of coping mechanism for him, “I’m even taking my friends for granted. Iori has always been supporting me from the back and yet, I give him nothing in return.”

Hearing Riku conveying his guilt, Tenn started to feel a guilt that he had long locked away. He was still kneeling down and couldn’t believe how hurt Riku must be feeling right now and for a very long time. It was almost a surprised for someone like Riku to hide his true emotions.

“You still haven’t fully opened yourself up to them have you? You doing your very best for your fans, everyone and yourself, is something Riku. You deserve the things you have now. You’re still naive to this world and you might not believe me but, one day, you’ll realise that this world is bigger than we would’ve imagined when we were little, and that there are many people who will support us no matter how many faults or mistakes we have or made.”

Tenn had anticipated that Riku would probably still think otherwise to what he’d said and when he sees Riku’s head still bowed down not saying anything, he continues.

“But I get it, I should’ve told you the reason why I left so there wouldn’t be any kind of misunderstanding, I should’ve been there and supported you so that you wouldn’t feel this way, I was being too harsh on you and I’m still am....”

“No!” Finally raising his head back up, Riku desperately grasped both of Tenn’s hands that were on top of one another near the edge of the bed. “None of this is Tenn-nii’s fault! I don’t want Tenn-nii to suffer knowing my guilt and I know you’re being harsh to me to make me stronger. I’ve already made you endure so much pain, making you go on your own with that man all for my sake, saying those mean things to you, not knowing how you would’ve felt when you were alone.”

“Who’s fault was it then who gave you that guilt?”

It all went quiet. 

“I... I..” 

Riku couldn’t find the words to say anything, his mind going blank for a moment which makes Tenn’s point strengthen.

“See? I also made you suffer. After I left... you had a severe attack didn’t you?”

“How.... ?”

“Let’s just say I heard it from someone. Like you know the reason why I left, I know that you had an attack straight after and what the reason was.” Tenn’s eyes soften before carrying on, “But do you see now? I made you feel that guilt, I was the reason that you got an attack that was so bad and I regret not being to see you grow up Riku.”

Tenn pushes himself forward, briefly slipping out of Riku’s grasp and then embracing Riku with his arms wrapped around him and his right hand stroking Riku’s hair. 

“You've grown stronger Riku, having to deal with this pain all on your own.” Tenn continues to comfort Riku as he speaks comforting words towards him “It’s okay now, you’ve held this pain long enough. Let it go now, we’re both even right?”

The feeling of Tenn’s warmth was almost overwhelming and unbearable to Riku, it’s been so long since Tenn held him like this. “Tenn-nii....” He utters, feeling warm tears welling up again. “But I’m cruel and I’m selfish, I’m a monster…”

“Tell me Riku, do you wish things would go back to the way they used to? Both of us being in that tiny world? Just the two of us?”

Riku went silent for a moment, he was a little unsure but once more seconds go by, he knew the answer.

“.... I want Tenn-nii and I to be together again, I want to be with you, to stay with you.”

There was a smile plastered on his face, already expecting that sort of answer from him.

“I know... I know you do but…” Tenn releases Riku from the embrace and instead, held both of their hands together before their fingers intertwine. “Our intertwined memories of each other, would now be our treasure forever.” He pauses, “We both have our group members who will support us anytime and anywhere. I know that might not satisfy you now but, I know you can do it, allow yourself to open up to them, make happy and unforgettable memories with them and I know you won't need me anymore. You'll make more memories to treasure.”

With their hands still held together, Riku gave a slightly doubtful look at Tenn, “... Will our shared dream ever come true? Will we ever sing and dance together?”

Tenn nods, “Yes, one day Riku. I promise, we will sing and dance together, when the time is right, we can do it. Stand on the top stage together and sing. I’m sure the fans will love to see that as well.”

Even if it might take a long time for them to be on the stage they both imagine, Riku still smiles and hope for that day. “Mhm, I’ll be waiting for that time then, but when that time comes, can I ask for one thing right now from you Tenn-nii?”

"What is it Riku?"

"Will you be my big brother again, just for today?"

Tenn’s smile brightens,

"Of course."

Straight after Riku’d finished eating, he and Tenn spent time together just like how they used to spend time together when one was sick.

After Tenn had finished the second book he was reading, Riku was now sound asleep with his soft breathing being heard. 

He looked like he was finally at peace now. Of course, all his guilt hasn’t completely faded away but at least Riku can feel more at ease now. 

Manoeuvring Riku’s body so that he was now laying on his bed, Tenn was about to pull the blanket over until he stopped when hearing Riku’s voice.

"If Tenn-nii ever feels down or sad, I want to... I will be there to comfort you like a blanket, just like you did with me.”

Tenn chuckles quietly to himself, maybe Riku is dreaming right now or just simply in a half asleep state. His eyes were shut but there was a visible warm smile on his face as he turned his body to the right where Tenn was standing.

Tucking Riku in and leaning forward, Tenn moves some of Riku’s hair that was covering Riku’s forehead and leaned in, giving a chaste kiss just like when he was little and Riku was asleep.

Since it's his off day today, he might as well stay for a little longer. 

*  
*  
*

By the time everyone apart from Tsumugi who went to her own home arrived back at the dorm, it was already really late in the night. 

They’d assume that Tenn had already left and Iori would probably have to repay him back some time soon. When they opened Riku’s bedroom door slightly to check up on Riku, they found an unexpected sight. 

Surprisingly, Tenn was still there even though he clearly expressed that he was only going to stay for a couple of hours. 

But what was more surprising was that he was fast asleep besides Riku’s bed with his left arm supporting his head and then the other, was on top of Riku’s.

**Author's Note:**

> Since I know that my friend Raz likes angst and TennRiku (platonic), I thought that I should try and write a one shot for her birthday about TennRiku and try to make as angsty as I can. It was almost impossible, I probably messed up the whole concept of the word 'angst' but this is probably the most angsty fic I've done possibly. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and happy birthday Raz!


End file.
